One Curry, One Date, One hour, ONE TIME.

        I feel I must begin this memoir by expressing my undying and irrational love for the aromatic splendour that is Indian food. I feel it is only right to do so as it was my excessive adoration for an exceptional curry dish that lead me to what I believe was the worst date of all time. As a matter of fact, if it were not for my hankering for a chicken curry after a fortnight of failed dieting, there would be no story at all.

The Horrors of My Phony Date Which I Am Ashamed to Say I Only Attended For The Free Food
(The Tale of The Curry Whore)

told to you by
The Honest Young Lady

               It all began one afternoon when me and my bestfriend Ruby took a trip down to our shitty local to get a few drinks before a job interview I had (the job never called me back). After chatting for a few minutes we were approached by a group of grotty guys who offered us a round of drinks and a game of pool with them. They were scruffy worker men with bad dress sense and even worse teeth but who am I to judge? A drink is a drink! So we politely accepted their offer and kicked off our afternoon with some less than amusing conversation and a double vodka-lemon/lime each. It was all very innocent and easy going until one of them asked me for my number and for some strange reason I said yes. I was in NO WAY attracted to any of them and not to toot my own horn, but it was almost delusional of this guy to think he had a chance with me but I thought to myself "free drinks next time they're at the local.. Seems worth the 20 mins of unwanted conversation!" Until the guy texts me later that day and asks me out on a date. I had finished my interview and I was with Ruby and our other friend Jasmine at this point and I was clear that I was going to turn down his offer until Ruby suggested we go on a double date for a laugh as his friend had asked her out too. So for the sake of the free food and wine we decided to accept the invite. We we're completely aware that we were taking advantage of these guys but they'd be happy with dating a couple of lovely ladies and we'd get free stuff. Win, win. Well it was until Ruby pulled out 2 hours before and left me to date this loser on my own. It was too late to cancel and I was starving so I decided to go on the date anyway. "how bad can it be?" I thought to myself. 

(I must mention that due to the awful experience I had with this person that I feel he does not even deserve an alias so therefore, I will just refer to him as him/he/the guy)

       So, we arranged to arrive outside the restaurant at 8pm and not only did he call me an hour before to see if I was still coming (although I'd replied to his text message only 20 minutes before this), he also called me at 7.40 to see where I was as he was already there. At this point I should've just cancelled as his behaviour was unacceptable and creepy and the date hadn't even started! I didn't even want to go but I'd said I would and I was already dressed so I decided I would give this man one hour of my life and I would aim to be out of the restaurant and homeward bound by 9pm. I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes after 8 and he greeted me outside the door. He was wearing jeans and smart trainers with a shirt, a hoodie and a jacket. You know those people who you see in their day to day wear and they look scruffy and gross but then when they need to, they can make the effort and scrub up quite well?  He was not one of those people. So, already timing the date and planning an exit strategy, I entered the extremely small restaurant with this mess of a man for an entire meal.. In front of other people.

Things A Man Should Never Do When Trying To Court A Lady

I need to make one thing abundantly clear. This guy is possibly one of the most vile, small minded and badly educated people I've had the displeasure to spend even a moment of my time with and I knew this before I'd even entered the restaurant but I really didn't think he could get any worse..

Once we were seated, the waiter came over to take our drinks order and I knew I'd need a ridiculous amount of alcohol to get through the hour but I thought it would be best not to get too drunk so I just asked for a rosé. He turned to the waiter and asked for a beer for himself and then asked for a small rosé for me. And just to make sure it was a small glass, he even gestured with his thumb and forefinger.
"If I wanted a small glass, I would've asked for a small glass you cheap bastard I want a large glass! In fact, I want a whole fucking bottle!" Is what I should've said. But I didn't. The wine was cheap and tasted like vinegar anyway so I suppose he saved me a little there but it really wasn't the point! Boys, it's common courtesy on a date.- 1. DO NOT PUT A LIMIT ON HOW MUCH A GIRL CAN ORDER.

After bringing the drinks over, the waiter then asked us what food we would like to order. Starers? Not if I wanted to be out in an hour! So I just ordered my main curry dish and although he expressed earlier in the evening that he liked a completely different dish to the one I ordered, he asked to have the same as me which completely freaked me out. - 2. DON'T JUST "HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING" I'm sure he was very nervous but it certainly wouldn't have been our differences in curry dishes that would stop me from ever wanting to see this guy again- that ship had already sailed! In fact, the ship was never there to begin with! He then asked "popadums come free right" to which the waiter replied "no you have to order them". Popadums only come free when you take out. Moron.

3. DONT ASK FOR FREE STUFF WHEN YOU'RE ON A DATE! He then went on to persist that popadums came free and then finally put the notion to rest and just ordered them. I was completely embarrassed and gobsmacked. 

  We were about halfway through the meal when he exused himself to use the facilities. He came back minutes later and sat back down at the table. I don't think I was, or ever will be ready for what he was about to say next.

"There was just a fucking tranny in there" he made this comment with such disgust I could've sworn he was referring to a rodent or pest and not an actual human being. 

Now I am extremely open to everyone and anyone, no matter what their gender preferences, orientation and so on and as a Londoner, I expect other people in this modern and diverse city to share the same open views as myself. Obviously everyone has their opinions and limits to what they see as 'normal' but to voice them in such a way on a first date to a stranger is just completely obsurd and infuriating. 

"So? What's wrong with that?" I replied in shock. 

"He was looking at me when I was washing my hand. I bet he was gay and all that shit." he said with a repulsed and detestful look across his face. 

Now, there is a short list of things that get me mad to the point where I lose complete control of what I say and do when they arise. Ignorance is very near the top of that list. So not only was this guy stupid, common and rude.. He was now openly homophobic. I get that some people have a traditional way of thinking and they like to keep that closed minded approach to life.. Great, go ahead.. But do it in silence and do not let me see or hear you critise or insult others for what they believe in. 4. DON'T VOICE YOU'RE ONE SIDED AND IGNORANT OPINIONS ON TOUCHY SUBJECTS

"Okay pal, first of all.. Even if he was homosexual, he wouldn't be looking at you because you are vile. And I mean VILE. In every sense possible. Secondly, if he was staring at you, he was probably wondering how a human could look so much a bald goat on crack. And thirdly, I don't think there is anything wrong with cross dressing or being gay and if you think there is, you should keep your fucking opinions to yourself and you better turn that small glass of wine into a large glass of vodka pronto before I finish it and aim the glass right between your eyes!"

Is what I should've said but instead I went with a less aggressive but no less strong approach and said "I have plenty of gay people who are close to me and they have beautiful relationships and I'm actually quite offended that you'd voice such a negative opinion." 

I must say I was rather please with myself that I was able to keep such a ladylike coolness about myself when I was close to unleashing hell on this pathetic man! 

He apologised with little meaning and shrugged off the whole fiasco with not a care in the world and carried on eating and for the rest of the meal I barely spoke as I was starving and I felt that if I continued any sort of conversation with this fool, I would have to divert my fork straight into my eye or his which would mean I couldn't finish my food due to being dragged to a phsyc ward or whatever.

Just before the bill came, I text the girls the SOS to call me and get me out of there as soon as possible without me having any hassle from the village idiot. Seconds later my whole group of around 6 friends pile into the restaurant doors. This was NOT part of the plan! The plan was to call me or something and tell me I need to come home! I couldn't help but giggle. Anyway he paid the bill which earnt him a smidge of his manhood back because after an hour with this man, I would'nt have been totally surprised if he asked me to go halves! He insisted I go for drinks with him after and I thought I was doomed as my exuse to leave had just decided to join us! "I think I'm going to stay with the girls because I'm going back with jasmine" I insisted. (This was infact true, I was actually going with Jasmine to spend a weekend at her parents place.) "You can come for a drink until they've finished" his response was also very true. I could indeed go and have a drink with him until they finished eating. I just didnt want to! The girls subtly giggling whilst leaving me to flounder trying to get out of drinks with him! "You don't mind if I take her to drinks do you" he asked Jasmine. Jasmine gave me the 'don't worry. I got this' look. "Actually I've got to leave now and she's coming with me so she can't" said Jasmine. He looked at her for a second, ignored what she'd said and then turned to Ruby and asked her the same question. This leads me to the fifth, final and most important 5. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE RUDE TO HER FRIENDS. 

Jasmine is a girl with standards and even though she was already fully aware that this was a phony date and this guy was a complete tool, she still stared at him in shock and disgust for around 10 seconds after this until she stood up and sternly said "No, she's not coming for drinks! We have to leave now!" 

Due to his incredible idiocy, I don't think he quite understood that he had just been extremely rude and, unaware of the situation, excepted that we 'had to leave' and said his goodbyes.

The (Not So) Bittersweet Ending

               Since the 'date' he has tried to call me numerous times and sent me text measages asking me out again and despite me telling him in a nice way that it is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, he still tries to call me every now and then. I must also add that the curry was less than mediocre and bland and was not worth even a minute of the hassle. 

Girls, unless its dinner at The Ritz (and it most probably won't be), it's really not worth going on a date with an uneducated thug. 

From me to you,

The Honest Young Lady 

And After All of the Lessons I Should've Learned...

         I previously told the unfortunate anecdote of John and my little 'I should've known' mishap with him. In this post I explained how I was sleeping with (and then wasn't sleeping with) a young man who worked in a club who I kind of thought I was in to until it dawned on me that all along I was just another girl on his list and I came to the clever conclusion to "think twice when it comes to guys who flirt with girls for a living. " Remember? If not, read it here: If It Walks Like A Dick

Well, my dearest ladies and gentleman, she's done it again!

          I now present to you the sequel:

The (not second, but) Third Sexual Encounter with a Mysterious Male Despite his Incredibly Bad Attitude and Inadequately Sized Penis
(If it Walks like a Dick part ll)
told to you by
The Honest Young Lady

          I realized after my last rendezvous with John, that he is, in fact, extremely rude and possesses no respect for women whatsoever. So lesson learned, oui? Of course not. Not even a week later and I'm back again doing the very thing I told myself not to do. Why, you ask? Because some of us don't have the self respect nor the ability to want better for ourselves.We lack the basic brain function that tells us that when something is bad for us, we should stay as far away as possible. 

So, How did it happen?

well.. Earlier this week, my friends and I found ourselves back at the club that we usually go to on a Wednesday night- the one where John works. Before we arrived, my friend and I discussed in great lengths what I would say to John when I saw him and exactly how little of a shit I would look like I didn't give when he looked my way. What we failed to discuss, however, was the intent behind the repertoire of blank expressions and casual hair flips I would execute if John happened to have the decency (or courage) to even try to greet me. What exactly did I want out of him? An explanation? An apology? Or was it the attention from John that I thought I would get but didn't receive from the previous week? It turns out it was the latter and if I would've discussed what I wanted from him, instead of trying to figure out how unconcerned I could come across without seeming rude or like I cared, I probably would've come to the conclusion that I did want his attention and, for the sake of my sanity, should just avoid him altogether. Well, woulda, shoulda, coulda! Because, after a brief discussion of how drunk he was the previous week, John and I were back doing the stroke/grope walk-by and I was less certain if I would actually end up in my own bed at the end of the night.

The Stroke/Grope Walk-By

 Exactly what it says on the tin. It involves little eye-contact and as one person passes the other, they stroke (or grope) them on the arm.. or lower back.. or other body part (depending on gender and hornyness) and then they turn back to give the reassuring look that it was infact them and not some other weird pervert in the club.  A fascinating game that often goes undetected by others (which is great for guys like John as they can do it as they pass every chick on their radar whilst gallivanting through the club collecting bottles of grey goose filled with Asda-Price vodka for unsuspecting silly girls on their table who will soon fall into the same trap). Isn't life just a little bitch. 

Well, that was of course until I'd realised that John had left the club, undetected, before the night was over- most probably with a girl or two. So from 2am onwards, I was completely infuriated and a little disheartened with absolutely no idea why I cared and why I couldn't just get over this guy already! I left the club intoxicated, humiliated and looking for a miracle to swoop down from the heavens and make my night better. And after waiting around smoking outside the club for what seemed like an eternity.. HALLELUJAH! I was struck with an answer which would end in either:

A.  my complete satisfaction and restoration of self worth due to John's embarrassment.

or 

B. My feeling less crappy for the remainder of the night due to sex and then me ending up back where I started.

And after taking ten seconds to think it through, both seemed better like options to going home alone.

My friend Hanna (the one dating John's friend and 1 of 4 housemates) wanted to go back to their place instead of going home so the two of us devised a plan with our other two girlfriends to go back with the remaining 3 guys. After 10 minutes of chatting and waiting around outside the club we were asked if we wanted to get a cab back with them. Obviously, we nonchalantly shrugged and the seven of us illegally scrambled into the back of a car and off we went. For the entire journey I was finding it hard to sit still with all the excitement of seeing John's face when I walked into his house completely unexpected. He'd probably have a heart palpitation as I swanned around his place whilst he tried desperately to calmly introduce me to whichever chick he'd left with. Sleeze bag revealed! One point to me and zero to John. Or so I thought. My hopes of humiliating John were soon shattered as I entered the house to discover that John was not there. 

       So there I was, in John's home, with nothing between my legs but my own tail. So what better to do than help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniel's on the living room coffee table in an attempt to make the most of an abysmal end to a night. It was coming up to 5am and everyone was drunkenly stumbling to their designated rooms so it was soon just me, Emma and our cue to leave as the other two girls were upstairs getting cosy with John's housemates. Just as I went to confirm the booking for a taxi on my Addison Lee app, one of the boys returned to the room after being on the phone. "It was John, he's on his way back" he said whilst sinking back into his chair. I slowly lifted my head from my phone whilst clicking the 'lock' button. If everyone was sober, I could've sworn they could see my heart booming through my chest as I nonchalantly nodded telling them that we would be leaving very shortly but I knew full well that  I was not going anywhere. Now I think about it, my actions that night were those of a borderline stalker but when I set my sights on something, it's hard to steer me away (especially if I am as drunk as I was!) so I sat back and waited for the events to unfold. And it wasn't long before John entered- the look on his face was something that could only be described as completely priceless. How I wish I could've filmed his reaction as he walked into his living room to find me on his sofa, feet up and cigarette in hand. After stumbling for words, he finally managed to string together a comment on my presence which, due to my toxic state, I can barely remember. It was something along the lines of "You're here. I like your hat" (I was wearing his friend's trilby looking thing) to which my reply was something like "Yep. Evidently. Thanks, it's Ben's".

Somehow, after our awkward exchange of pleasantries, John ended up sat beside me on the sofa asking me to stay the night. And of course, due to the obscene amount of JD  I had consumed whilst waiting, I said yes. I realise that it would've been a good idea to find out where the filthy boy had been but the truth is, it's feasible that I really didn't want to know as it would've affected what was about to happen; which, of course, was sex.
      I'd describe the experience as mediocre but not great. I mean; it wasn't atrocious, but it wasn't exactly enjoyable either and certainly less enjoyable than the first two times. I suppose the novelty had worn off and I was beginning to see beneath John's cool exterior and what I uncovered was far less satisfying than I ever thought it would be: a disrespectful, ignorant pig with an ego bigger than his penis. Maybe I'd have something nicer to say if he didn't scoff at me the next morning when I asked for a cup of tea whilst I was waiting for my friends who were still passed out on the sofa. It was a cup of tea not a kidney! I'm British for God's sake! I think he owed me at least that!
    I left in total shock with a goodbye from everyone but John. I suppose that this entire experience has been a learning curve. In all honestly, there could've been a chance of me ending up back at John's house again after a night out but he tarnished all possibility of that happening when I saw him again in the club a few nights ago and he greeted me with a high-five. Yes, a high-five. So I really must say that no matter how drunk I may be, that really was the last time with John and I should really think before ever believing the phrase "third time's the charm" because, in this case, the third time certainly was not.

And just incase the rest of my dignity and self-worth completely goes out of the window and I need re-reminding:
If a guy does any of the following..
1. Chooses when to acknowledge your presence (only when he wants sex)
2. Scoffs when you ask for a cup of tea the next morning (or any hot beverage)
3. Doesn't make an effort to talk to you or take you out afterwards
4. High-fives you the next time he sees you instead of greeting you properly

DO NOT sleep with them for the second (or third) time.

So from now on it's au revoir ass-holes and bonjour to a respectful guy that is not part of London's nightlife! I hope.


From me, to you


The Honest Young Lady





Photograph: Sarah Haney

If It walks Like A Dick..

      As females, we tend to get ourselves into crappy situations with a certain type of guy. You know the type.. Totally charming and mysterious but a complete and utter douche! We think that we can get away with sleeping with these womanisers without losing their respect and completely shattering our own self-esteem. Well, we can't. And even when we know that they've probably done this sort of thing 101 times with more girls than we can imagine, we try to convince ourselves that we are different and that we, somehow, have this magical ability to change the way these guys are. We try to believe that we are that one special girl that has a chance with them and due to this way of thinking (and my lack of self-restraint and large amounts of alcohol consumption), I recently found it incredibly difficult to stick to a golden rule:

If you like him, DON'T sleep with him. (Well.. at least not as quick as I tend to.)

The Outs and Ins of the Incredibly Ludicrous and Embarrassing Encounter with Just Another Promoter of London's Nightlife

told to you by 

The Honest Young Lady

     Okay *deep breath*... My group of girlfriends have recently started hanging with this group of cool, attractive young men who run events and PR at a prestigious club in Central London. As my friend Hanna is seeing a guy in the group, it's now a regular thing for us to see them and we go to the club where they work. Things seem to be going pretty well with Hanna; she and this guy are taking it slow and they are yet to sleep together. I, on the other hand, took my pick out of this cult of fine young men and, somehow, I managed to pick the team man-whore. Typical. (I must have a 6th sense when it comes to locating the biggest ass-hole in a group of males and making him my problem.) Anyway, we were all out clubbing and the guy I'd set my sights on (let's call him John) started to touch my hand and get a bit gropey in the club crowd. It wasn't long before John and I were flirting with each other discreetly and when the club closed, the guys invited my group of girlfriends back to "chill" with them. John and I kissed in the taxi back to their place and shortly after we all arrived at their apartment, I was upstairs with him and we were making noise. The fact is, however, all night I was saying to myself "I will NOT sleep with this guy!" because I knew he was the type I could potentially have feelings for and I wouldn't let this go as a one night stand. If we were going to have sex, John was going to like me, god damn it! But, obviously, alcohol got the better of me and I just gave into his charm and slept with him anyway (despite my extensive knowledge of these situations!). Then, although he didn't even attempt to speak to me afterwards (although he claims he did), a few days later we went out with the same guys again and I ended up going back with John and we slept together AGAIN! How very silly, I know. He made a small effort of conversation via text message after I left the next morning and I thought that was going to be that last of it until the next time we saw them, which to my surprise was 2 days later when I received a message from John inviting me out with them again. It was odd because non of the other girls had been asked, not even Hanna had a clue so you could imagine how important I felt when it was just me. The message said the night would start out a "small gathering" at their apartment before we would all get taxis to the regular club we go to party. Great! 

      So.. Last night I turned up to John's place arm in arm with Hanna; both with our outfits, hair and make-up carefully devised to look effortlessly glamorous and respectably revealing. I had a glass or two of wine before I left my place and I was ready for whatever would happen that night. To my surprise, Despite my killer shoes and fabulous attempt at making my hair look like I wake up every morning with a head of waves that cascade perfectly without a strand out of place, John barely said a word to me. All night. Not at their place and not at the club afterwards! Why would he invite me and barely speak to me?! I mean, I know that just because I slept with the guy (on two occasions, may I add!), it doesn't automatically make me a priority but seriously?! It turns out the aloofness that I once found sexy and mysterious just turned out to be rudeness. So yes, the ever so lovely John was just as I suspected and I suppose I won't be jumping into bed with him anytime soon!   

And.. here it is

Just to add salt in the wound.

        I met a really sweet girl, Lucy, at the club and Hanna and I spent a great deal of time talking with her towards the end of the night. We were chatting away and Lucy mentioned how she was upset about a guy who works at the club we were in. She wouldn't tell us who he was but she explained how she let her guard down and slept with him a couple of times and now he's completely ignoring her and she has now realised that he does it all the time with a lot of girls from the clubs. "They're all the same, these promoters!" We giggled through gulps of free champagne! And after a great deal of dancing, more alcohol and my few failed attempts of trying to pry out of Lucy the name of this douche of a man that had hurt her, Lucy finally lifted her index finger off her glass just enough to point in the direction of the ever so lovely gentleman I had slept with just two nights before!
       Well.. It turns out they really are all the same. And, by that, I mean the same guy. Ouch. 
"Oh, no way!" I said casually whilst trying my hardest to hide the telepathic screaming conversation I was having with Hanna who was still trying to pick her jaw up from the floor! It was hella awkward! I felt so guilty that I didn't end up telling Lucy about my extremely similar experience with the same person and I don't intend to- out of pure embarrassment and shame!   

Lessons Learned: You should think twice when it comes to guys who flirt with girls for a living. 

If it walks like a dick and talks like a dick .. it works in a nightclub.

From me, to you.

The Honest Young Lady. 



photograph: Sarah Haney