Well, my dearest ladies and gentleman, she's done it again!
I now present to you the sequel:
The (not second, but) Third Sexual Encounter with a Mysterious Male Despite his Incredibly Bad Attitude and Inadequately Sized Penis
(If it Walks like a Dick part ll)
told to you by
The Honest Young Lady
And just incase the rest of my dignity and self-worth completely goes out of the window and I need re-reminding:
If a guy does any of the following..
1. Chooses when to acknowledge your presence (only when he wants sex)
2. Scoffs when you ask for a cup of tea the next morning (or any hot beverage)
3. Doesn't make an effort to talk to you or take you out afterwards
4. High-fives you the next time he sees you instead of greeting you properly
DO NOT sleep with them for the second (or third) time.
So from now on it's au revoir ass-holes and bonjour to a respectful guy that is not part of London's nightlife! I hope.
From me, to you
The Honest Young Lady
Photograph: Sarah Haney
(If it Walks like a Dick part ll)
told to you by
The Honest Young Lady
I realized after my last rendezvous with John, that he is, in fact, extremely rude and possesses no respect for women whatsoever. So lesson learned, oui? Of course not. Not even a week later and I'm back again doing the very thing I told myself not to do. Why, you ask? Because some of us don't have the self respect nor the ability to want better for ourselves.We lack the basic brain function that tells us that when something is bad for us, we should stay as far away as possible.
So, How did it happen?
well.. Earlier this week, my friends and I found ourselves back at the club that we usually go to on a Wednesday night- the one where John works. Before we arrived, my friend and I discussed in great lengths what I would say to John when I saw him and exactly how little of a shit I would look like I didn't give when he looked my way. What we failed to discuss, however, was the intent behind the repertoire of blank expressions and casual hair flips I would execute if John happened to have the decency (or courage) to even try to greet me. What exactly did I want out of him? An explanation? An apology? Or was it the attention from John that I thought I would get but didn't receive from the previous week? It turns out it was the latter and if I would've discussed what I wanted from him, instead of trying to figure out how unconcerned I could come across without seeming rude or like I cared, I probably would've come to the conclusion that I did want his attention and, for the sake of my sanity, should just avoid him altogether. Well, woulda, shoulda, coulda! Because, after a brief discussion of how drunk he was the previous week, John and I were back doing the stroke/grope walk-by and I was less certain if I would actually end up in my own bed at the end of the night.
The Stroke/Grope Walk-By
Exactly what it says on the tin. It involves little eye-contact and as one person passes the other, they stroke (or grope) them on the arm.. or lower back.. or other body part (depending on gender and hornyness) and then they turn back to give the reassuring look that it was infact them and not some other weird pervert in the club. A fascinating game that often goes undetected by others (which is great for guys like John as they can do it as they pass every chick on their radar whilst gallivanting through the club collecting bottles of grey goose filled with Asda-Price vodka for unsuspecting silly girls on their table who will soon fall into the same trap). Isn't life just a little bitch.
Well, that was of course until I'd realised that John had left the club, undetected, before the night was over- most probably with a girl or two. So from 2am onwards, I was completely infuriated and a little disheartened with absolutely no idea why I cared and why I couldn't just get over this guy already! I left the club intoxicated, humiliated and looking for a miracle to swoop down from the heavens and make my night better. And after waiting around smoking outside the club for what seemed like an eternity.. HALLELUJAH! I was struck with an answer which would end in either:
A. my complete satisfaction and restoration of self worth due to John's embarrassment.
or
B. My feeling less crappy for the remainder of the night due to sex and then me ending up back where I started.
And after taking ten seconds to think it through, both seemed better like options to going home alone.
My friend Hanna (the one dating John's friend and 1 of 4 housemates) wanted to go back to their place instead of going home so the two of us devised a plan with our other two girlfriends to go back with the remaining 3 guys. After 10 minutes of chatting and waiting around outside the club we were asked if we wanted to get a cab back with them. Obviously, we nonchalantly shrugged and the seven of us illegally scrambled into the back of a car and off we went. For the entire journey I was finding it hard to sit still with all the excitement of seeing John's face when I walked into his house completely unexpected. He'd probably have a heart palpitation as I swanned around his place whilst he tried desperately to calmly introduce me to whichever chick he'd left with. Sleeze bag revealed! One point to me and zero to John. Or so I thought. My hopes of humiliating John were soon shattered as I entered the house to discover that John was not there.
So there I was, in John's home, with nothing between my legs but my own tail. So what better to do than help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniel's on the living room coffee table in an attempt to make the most of an abysmal end to a night. It was coming up to 5am and everyone was drunkenly stumbling to their designated rooms so it was soon just me, Emma and our cue to leave as the other two girls were upstairs getting cosy with John's housemates. Just as I went to confirm the booking for a taxi on my Addison Lee app, one of the boys returned to the room after being on the phone. "It was John, he's on his way back" he said whilst sinking back into his chair. I slowly lifted my head from my phone whilst clicking the 'lock' button. If everyone was sober, I could've sworn they could see my heart booming through my chest as I nonchalantly nodded telling them that we would be leaving very shortly but I knew full well that I was not going anywhere. Now I think about it, my actions that night were those of a borderline stalker but when I set my sights on something, it's hard to steer me away (especially if I am as drunk as I was!) so I sat back and waited for the events to unfold. And it wasn't long before John entered- the look on his face was something that could only be described as completely priceless. How I wish I could've filmed his reaction as he walked into his living room to find me on his sofa, feet up and cigarette in hand. After stumbling for words, he finally managed to string together a comment on my presence which, due to my toxic state, I can barely remember. It was something along the lines of "You're here. I like your hat" (I was wearing his friend's trilby looking thing) to which my reply was something like "Yep. Evidently. Thanks, it's Ben's".
So there I was, in John's home, with nothing between my legs but my own tail. So what better to do than help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniel's on the living room coffee table in an attempt to make the most of an abysmal end to a night. It was coming up to 5am and everyone was drunkenly stumbling to their designated rooms so it was soon just me, Emma and our cue to leave as the other two girls were upstairs getting cosy with John's housemates. Just as I went to confirm the booking for a taxi on my Addison Lee app, one of the boys returned to the room after being on the phone. "It was John, he's on his way back" he said whilst sinking back into his chair. I slowly lifted my head from my phone whilst clicking the 'lock' button. If everyone was sober, I could've sworn they could see my heart booming through my chest as I nonchalantly nodded telling them that we would be leaving very shortly but I knew full well that I was not going anywhere. Now I think about it, my actions that night were those of a borderline stalker but when I set my sights on something, it's hard to steer me away (especially if I am as drunk as I was!) so I sat back and waited for the events to unfold. And it wasn't long before John entered- the look on his face was something that could only be described as completely priceless. How I wish I could've filmed his reaction as he walked into his living room to find me on his sofa, feet up and cigarette in hand. After stumbling for words, he finally managed to string together a comment on my presence which, due to my toxic state, I can barely remember. It was something along the lines of "You're here. I like your hat" (I was wearing his friend's trilby looking thing) to which my reply was something like "Yep. Evidently. Thanks, it's Ben's".
Somehow, after our awkward exchange of pleasantries, John ended up sat beside me on the sofa asking me to stay the night. And of course, due to the obscene amount of JD I had consumed whilst waiting, I said yes. I realise that it would've been a good idea to find out where the filthy boy had been but the truth is, it's feasible that I really didn't want to know as it would've affected what was about to happen; which, of course, was sex.
I'd describe the experience as mediocre but not great. I mean; it wasn't atrocious, but it wasn't exactly enjoyable either and certainly less enjoyable than the first two times. I suppose the novelty had worn off and I was beginning to see beneath John's cool exterior and what I uncovered was far less satisfying than I ever thought it would be: a disrespectful, ignorant pig with an ego bigger than his penis. Maybe I'd have something nicer to say if he didn't scoff at me the next morning when I asked for a cup of tea whilst I was waiting for my friends who were still passed out on the sofa. It was a cup of tea not a kidney! I'm British for God's sake! I think he owed me at least that!
I left in total shock with a goodbye from everyone but John. I suppose that this entire experience has been a learning curve. In all honestly, there could've been a chance of me ending up back at John's house again after a night out but he tarnished all possibility of that happening when I saw him again in the club a few nights ago and he greeted me with a high-five. Yes, a high-five. So I really must say that no matter how drunk I may be, that really was the last time with John and I should really think before ever believing the phrase "third time's the charm" because, in this case, the third time certainly was not.
I'd describe the experience as mediocre but not great. I mean; it wasn't atrocious, but it wasn't exactly enjoyable either and certainly less enjoyable than the first two times. I suppose the novelty had worn off and I was beginning to see beneath John's cool exterior and what I uncovered was far less satisfying than I ever thought it would be: a disrespectful, ignorant pig with an ego bigger than his penis. Maybe I'd have something nicer to say if he didn't scoff at me the next morning when I asked for a cup of tea whilst I was waiting for my friends who were still passed out on the sofa. It was a cup of tea not a kidney! I'm British for God's sake! I think he owed me at least that!
I left in total shock with a goodbye from everyone but John. I suppose that this entire experience has been a learning curve. In all honestly, there could've been a chance of me ending up back at John's house again after a night out but he tarnished all possibility of that happening when I saw him again in the club a few nights ago and he greeted me with a high-five. Yes, a high-five. So I really must say that no matter how drunk I may be, that really was the last time with John and I should really think before ever believing the phrase "third time's the charm" because, in this case, the third time certainly was not.
And just incase the rest of my dignity and self-worth completely goes out of the window and I need re-reminding:
If a guy does any of the following..
1. Chooses when to acknowledge your presence (only when he wants sex)
2. Scoffs when you ask for a cup of tea the next morning (or any hot beverage)
3. Doesn't make an effort to talk to you or take you out afterwards
4. High-fives you the next time he sees you instead of greeting you properly
DO NOT sleep with them for the second (or third) time.
So from now on it's au revoir ass-holes and bonjour to a respectful guy that is not part of London's nightlife! I hope.
From me, to you
The Honest Young Lady
Photograph: Sarah Haney
