One Curry, One Date, One hour, ONE TIME.

        I feel I must begin this memoir by expressing my undying and irrational love for the aromatic splendour that is Indian food. I feel it is only right to do so as it was my excessive adoration for an exceptional curry dish that lead me to what I believe was the worst date of all time. As a matter of fact, if it were not for my hankering for a chicken curry after a fortnight of failed dieting, there would be no story at all.

The Horrors of My Phony Date Which I Am Ashamed to Say I Only Attended For The Free Food
(The Tale of The Curry Whore)

told to you by
The Honest Young Lady

               It all began one afternoon when me and my bestfriend Ruby took a trip down to our shitty local to get a few drinks before a job interview I had (the job never called me back). After chatting for a few minutes we were approached by a group of grotty guys who offered us a round of drinks and a game of pool with them. They were scruffy worker men with bad dress sense and even worse teeth but who am I to judge? A drink is a drink! So we politely accepted their offer and kicked off our afternoon with some less than amusing conversation and a double vodka-lemon/lime each. It was all very innocent and easy going until one of them asked me for my number and for some strange reason I said yes. I was in NO WAY attracted to any of them and not to toot my own horn, but it was almost delusional of this guy to think he had a chance with me but I thought to myself "free drinks next time they're at the local.. Seems worth the 20 mins of unwanted conversation!" Until the guy texts me later that day and asks me out on a date. I had finished my interview and I was with Ruby and our other friend Jasmine at this point and I was clear that I was going to turn down his offer until Ruby suggested we go on a double date for a laugh as his friend had asked her out too. So for the sake of the free food and wine we decided to accept the invite. We we're completely aware that we were taking advantage of these guys but they'd be happy with dating a couple of lovely ladies and we'd get free stuff. Win, win. Well it was until Ruby pulled out 2 hours before and left me to date this loser on my own. It was too late to cancel and I was starving so I decided to go on the date anyway. "how bad can it be?" I thought to myself. 

(I must mention that due to the awful experience I had with this person that I feel he does not even deserve an alias so therefore, I will just refer to him as him/he/the guy)

       So, we arranged to arrive outside the restaurant at 8pm and not only did he call me an hour before to see if I was still coming (although I'd replied to his text message only 20 minutes before this), he also called me at 7.40 to see where I was as he was already there. At this point I should've just cancelled as his behaviour was unacceptable and creepy and the date hadn't even started! I didn't even want to go but I'd said I would and I was already dressed so I decided I would give this man one hour of my life and I would aim to be out of the restaurant and homeward bound by 9pm. I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes after 8 and he greeted me outside the door. He was wearing jeans and smart trainers with a shirt, a hoodie and a jacket. You know those people who you see in their day to day wear and they look scruffy and gross but then when they need to, they can make the effort and scrub up quite well?  He was not one of those people. So, already timing the date and planning an exit strategy, I entered the extremely small restaurant with this mess of a man for an entire meal.. In front of other people.

Things A Man Should Never Do When Trying To Court A Lady

I need to make one thing abundantly clear. This guy is possibly one of the most vile, small minded and badly educated people I've had the displeasure to spend even a moment of my time with and I knew this before I'd even entered the restaurant but I really didn't think he could get any worse..

Once we were seated, the waiter came over to take our drinks order and I knew I'd need a ridiculous amount of alcohol to get through the hour but I thought it would be best not to get too drunk so I just asked for a rosé. He turned to the waiter and asked for a beer for himself and then asked for a small rosé for me. And just to make sure it was a small glass, he even gestured with his thumb and forefinger.
"If I wanted a small glass, I would've asked for a small glass you cheap bastard I want a large glass! In fact, I want a whole fucking bottle!" Is what I should've said. But I didn't. The wine was cheap and tasted like vinegar anyway so I suppose he saved me a little there but it really wasn't the point! Boys, it's common courtesy on a date.- 1. DO NOT PUT A LIMIT ON HOW MUCH A GIRL CAN ORDER.

After bringing the drinks over, the waiter then asked us what food we would like to order. Starers? Not if I wanted to be out in an hour! So I just ordered my main curry dish and although he expressed earlier in the evening that he liked a completely different dish to the one I ordered, he asked to have the same as me which completely freaked me out. - 2. DON'T JUST "HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING" I'm sure he was very nervous but it certainly wouldn't have been our differences in curry dishes that would stop me from ever wanting to see this guy again- that ship had already sailed! In fact, the ship was never there to begin with! He then asked "popadums come free right" to which the waiter replied "no you have to order them". Popadums only come free when you take out. Moron.

3. DONT ASK FOR FREE STUFF WHEN YOU'RE ON A DATE! He then went on to persist that popadums came free and then finally put the notion to rest and just ordered them. I was completely embarrassed and gobsmacked. 

  We were about halfway through the meal when he exused himself to use the facilities. He came back minutes later and sat back down at the table. I don't think I was, or ever will be ready for what he was about to say next.

"There was just a fucking tranny in there" he made this comment with such disgust I could've sworn he was referring to a rodent or pest and not an actual human being. 

Now I am extremely open to everyone and anyone, no matter what their gender preferences, orientation and so on and as a Londoner, I expect other people in this modern and diverse city to share the same open views as myself. Obviously everyone has their opinions and limits to what they see as 'normal' but to voice them in such a way on a first date to a stranger is just completely obsurd and infuriating. 

"So? What's wrong with that?" I replied in shock. 

"He was looking at me when I was washing my hand. I bet he was gay and all that shit." he said with a repulsed and detestful look across his face. 

Now, there is a short list of things that get me mad to the point where I lose complete control of what I say and do when they arise. Ignorance is very near the top of that list. So not only was this guy stupid, common and rude.. He was now openly homophobic. I get that some people have a traditional way of thinking and they like to keep that closed minded approach to life.. Great, go ahead.. But do it in silence and do not let me see or hear you critise or insult others for what they believe in. 4. DON'T VOICE YOU'RE ONE SIDED AND IGNORANT OPINIONS ON TOUCHY SUBJECTS

"Okay pal, first of all.. Even if he was homosexual, he wouldn't be looking at you because you are vile. And I mean VILE. In every sense possible. Secondly, if he was staring at you, he was probably wondering how a human could look so much a bald goat on crack. And thirdly, I don't think there is anything wrong with cross dressing or being gay and if you think there is, you should keep your fucking opinions to yourself and you better turn that small glass of wine into a large glass of vodka pronto before I finish it and aim the glass right between your eyes!"

Is what I should've said but instead I went with a less aggressive but no less strong approach and said "I have plenty of gay people who are close to me and they have beautiful relationships and I'm actually quite offended that you'd voice such a negative opinion." 

I must say I was rather please with myself that I was able to keep such a ladylike coolness about myself when I was close to unleashing hell on this pathetic man! 

He apologised with little meaning and shrugged off the whole fiasco with not a care in the world and carried on eating and for the rest of the meal I barely spoke as I was starving and I felt that if I continued any sort of conversation with this fool, I would have to divert my fork straight into my eye or his which would mean I couldn't finish my food due to being dragged to a phsyc ward or whatever.

Just before the bill came, I text the girls the SOS to call me and get me out of there as soon as possible without me having any hassle from the village idiot. Seconds later my whole group of around 6 friends pile into the restaurant doors. This was NOT part of the plan! The plan was to call me or something and tell me I need to come home! I couldn't help but giggle. Anyway he paid the bill which earnt him a smidge of his manhood back because after an hour with this man, I would'nt have been totally surprised if he asked me to go halves! He insisted I go for drinks with him after and I thought I was doomed as my exuse to leave had just decided to join us! "I think I'm going to stay with the girls because I'm going back with jasmine" I insisted. (This was infact true, I was actually going with Jasmine to spend a weekend at her parents place.) "You can come for a drink until they've finished" his response was also very true. I could indeed go and have a drink with him until they finished eating. I just didnt want to! The girls subtly giggling whilst leaving me to flounder trying to get out of drinks with him! "You don't mind if I take her to drinks do you" he asked Jasmine. Jasmine gave me the 'don't worry. I got this' look. "Actually I've got to leave now and she's coming with me so she can't" said Jasmine. He looked at her for a second, ignored what she'd said and then turned to Ruby and asked her the same question. This leads me to the fifth, final and most important 5. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE RUDE TO HER FRIENDS. 

Jasmine is a girl with standards and even though she was already fully aware that this was a phony date and this guy was a complete tool, she still stared at him in shock and disgust for around 10 seconds after this until she stood up and sternly said "No, she's not coming for drinks! We have to leave now!" 

Due to his incredible idiocy, I don't think he quite understood that he had just been extremely rude and, unaware of the situation, excepted that we 'had to leave' and said his goodbyes.

The (Not So) Bittersweet Ending

               Since the 'date' he has tried to call me numerous times and sent me text measages asking me out again and despite me telling him in a nice way that it is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, he still tries to call me every now and then. I must also add that the curry was less than mediocre and bland and was not worth even a minute of the hassle. 

Girls, unless its dinner at The Ritz (and it most probably won't be), it's really not worth going on a date with an uneducated thug. 

From me to you,

The Honest Young Lady